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Behind stall wall, I assess the situation. First, by sidestepping the digestive system, alcohol can supposedly enter the blood stream—and get you blasted—faster. The gizmo reads my blood alcohol content BAC as a whopping. Just follow her on Facebook! As a solvent, alcohol kills bacteria. For the first time one recent afternoon, I scour the shelves of my local liquor store considering not which varietal of wine my palate desires, but which brand of vodka my vagina deserves. A website by Thought.

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Inside a bathroom stall, I whip out a breathalyzer kit purchased at Brookstone just for the occasion.

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While dressing, I squint and flex whichever vaginal muscles I can to stave off serious discomfort. In nothing but a bra, straddled above the toilet in case of drippage, I touch the sopping wad to my privates. Surveying the options, I want to believe my lady parts are worthy of a pricy Grey Goose or Belvedere. Behind stall wall, I assess the situation. A new Thought Catalog series exploring our connection to each other, our food, and where it comes from.

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